How to Save Your Marriage On Your Own and What Actions You Need to Take

One of the most common questions spouses ask when confronting a marriage crisis is this: How can I save my marriage if my partner doesn't want to help find a solution? How do I succeed I am trying to save my marriage on my own?
           
It is a typical enough story: one partner leaves, the other stays. One remains 'in love', the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage' ALONE.

Considering there are two people contributing to the overall health and wellbeing of a marriage, shouldn't both of you be present to actually try and save it? Or, worse, when it's his, her, their fault so shouldn't he, she, they be the ones to make amends? You're just the victim here, after all!

The first thing you must know is if you want to save your marriage and if you find yourself alone in this desire, waiting for the other spouse to make the first move is the beginning of the end. If you are looking for someone to blame or someone else to put the emotional and physical work into saving the marriage, again, it's going to fail.

The belief that the responsibility lies with the other person is a self-defeating attitude.  It propagates the belief that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to save your marriage and you should stand and watch what comes your way.

NOT true!

There is still something you CAN DO. Even in your loneliness and solitude, you CAN save your marriage.

How? Let's begin first by examining what it means to be on your own.

As human beings, we hate being alone. It's part of our genetic make up to be social creatures and develop connections with others, whether through friendships or romantic interest. The way we connect with others and the nature of how we interact with people is a fundamental aspect of personal and emotional development.

The paradox is that as we grow older in the love, trust, companionship and support of our significant others, we develop an internal strength of self that makes us whole, happy human beings. Ideally, the mature human person should have developed a strong sense of self-awareness, confidence and self-esteem as he or she reaches adulthood. These become the windows with which we view the world, flaws and all. These make up part of our personal shelter amidst challenges and difficulties. This is called SELF-ACTUALIZATION.

However, many of us enter into adult life without even being aware of this beautiful, human truth. We may have experienced abandonment in our childhood or been disappointed by our romantic relationships; whatever it is, it has caused to shift from proper mature development to fears of abandonment and the inability to see that we can stand on our own two feet.

Thus, many of us enter relationships and marriages with the hope, plan and dream that we would never be alone. We invest so much in our partners and loved ones, focusing our entire beings on them and relying on them to make us happy and secure. Unfortunately, this perspective carries with it its own poison. Subconsciously, we project the responsibility of our life happiness on the other person, eloquently sidestepping taking responsibility for our own life happiness and destiny.

Problems develop when a partner indicates some form of dissatisfaction with the relationship or the expectations unwittingly placed upon them, and when they do so, we panic. When our partner leaves, our fears kick in. When something goes wrong with our marriages, it is very easy for us to place the blame of the other person for having made us unhappy.

In order to save your marriage when you are the only one doing it, the key then is a paradigm shift, meaning, the key is to change your attitude and focus. Stop focusing on your partner - stop the blaming, stop the inaction.

Take a good look at yourself and what you can do in this moment. You can definitely NOT control your partner's feelings, attitude and reactions, but you can control your own.  You can go from fearing abandonment to actually taking responsibility for yourself and your own happiness.

This is where the human truth about self-actualization comes in. Understand, adapt and internalize this for yourself. Learn it. It will spell the difference not just in your marriage but in YOU.

A whole human being is easy to love. A happy person attracts happiness. In starting with yourself, you can move from being an unhappy, clingy, difficult person to one who can provide an environment of safety, wisdom, trust and open communication. If each of you are able to self-sustain when it comes to taking responsibility for your own life happiness, you both have much less baggage and much more genuine love to bring into the relationship. Your motivation shifts from being one of fear to being one of real love.

Rather than beat yourself up in desperation, try these tips to start your own personal transformation and lead your marriage to success:

- Breathe
- Smile
- Let go
- Believe that reconnection is possible
- See a counselor for YOURSELF not just for your marriage
- Examine your part in contributing to the difficulties in your marriage
- Forgive yourself
- Change
- Look after your health, beauty and well-being

For all you know, your partner (and you) may just rediscover the person they first fell in love with and more. For all you know, this is the type of you that would allow your partner to come back and initiate communication. When that happens, you have every opportunity to sit down with him or her, discuss your motivations, plans and feelings. You can even get to the real issues surrounding your marital difficulties and actually begin taking positive steps to work them through.

In being open and mature, you can also provide an environment where love and intimacy can flourish once more. With all the confidence and sincerity you have gathered, take these steps. Plus one more. Even in your separation, conflict or difficulties, find it in you to continue loving your partner and showing him or her that you do. Through little, subtle acts, like preparing a snack for him or her or spending some quality TV time, you can rekindle love in your marriage. They don't have to be grand gestures, they just have to be sincere. And coming from the mature, new you, they will.

From Crib To Bed - Necessary Change

I want out! That’s the message your toddler will send – one way or another – when he’s ready to wave goodbye to the crib and say hello to a big-kid bed. Your child might actually verbalize displeasure, or more likely, simply climb out of the crib.

So, what needs to be done?

First, resist the temptation to move him too early. Most experts recommend doings so around age 3. Unless your child is climbing out of his crib or needs more space than a crib can provide – his body is growing at an astounding rate – it’s better to keep him in the crib, which allows him to feel safe.
This way, your child can feel comfortable taking giant developmental leaps during the day but still regress to the security of his old crib at night.
Moreover, until age 3, toddlers are very impulsive, and your child’s difficulty in understanding and being able to follow directions or rules (like staying in bed all night) will make sleeping in a bed a real challenge. If you transition to a bed before age 3, you can plan on waking up to a little visitor next to your bed pretty much every night.

When the time comes, however, you need to help your child transition smoothly to sleeping in a bed. For that, you need to follow certain steps. These are:

1.    Create a safe environment: Safety proof your child’s room and any adjacent areas he may be able to visit into the middle of the night. Secure windows, tops of stairs, and any stepstools that can be tripped over. Even better, you can install a safety gate at your child’s door. You can even install a small night-light in his room to help him orient himself and avoid hurting himself.

2.    Pick the mattress: Go to the mattress store – or any other store that sells mattresses – and let your child help you choose the mattress or bed. With safety in mind, all you need is a twin-size mattress and box spring and some safety rails for the side. You should adjust the height of this new bed accordingly, as it will need to sit low on the floor for some time until your child gets used to it. Get some fun new sheets, some special pillowcases and you’re set to go.

3.    Disassemble the crib (together): Once the new bed comes home, ask your child to help you to take down the crib. This way, your child will feel part of the transition process and will also be able to say good-bye to the crib.

4.    Set up the bed: Put the bed in a corner of your child’s room so that the head and side of the bed are flush against the wall for protection. Add a safety rail to the exposed side of the bed. Your child will feel safe this way, just as he did in his crib.

5.    Explain the rules of bedtime: If your child is verbal before the first night of sleeping in the bed, go over the rules of bedtime with him. Tell him that he is a big boy now who needs to understand that when we go to sleep, we only wake up when the sun is nice and bright.

6.    Do your bedtime routine: During the first few nights your child is sleeping in his new bed, take an extra 10 minutes of reading time together to make him feel comfortable in his new environment. The idea here is to make your child feel safe. If your child seems excited about the new bed from the very start, you’re one of those luck people who has made this transition easily.

How To Avoid Communication Breakdown

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when love and feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. My spouse told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I automatically lashed back in defense.

It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of perfume. But to me, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be, worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.

Perfume, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my spouse when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment.

I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night." That was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My spouse felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, where I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make my spouse feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I needed my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions.

Just because something isn't spoken about, doesn't mean it's not important. A relationship or marriage is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

Your Child In Your Bed: Should You Consider Co-Sleeping?

Co-sleeping is the practice where the child sleeps in bed with his parents. Not surprisingly, it is one of the most hotly debated and controversial topics related to pediatric sleep. Let’s see why.
Some people argue that co-sleeping is the right and natural way to raise a child because the practice fosters a stronger bond and a more secure attachment.
Conversely, others will tell you that co-sleeping is risky, ridiculous, or even dangerous and they don’t want it for their family.
So, which approach holds the truth?
First, it’s important to understand that co-sleeping is not magic. Although some proponents of the family bed would disagree, numerous couples have reported that their babies did not necessarily sleep deeper or longer because their parents were close by. In fact, some parents found that their child slept longer and woke less frequently when they stopped co-sleeping and moved him into his own crib.
However, whether families choose to co-sleep or have their children sleep independently is a personal decision, and if both parents and child are safe, rested, and fulfilled, then co-sleeping is nothing to worry about.
If you decide do co-sleep, this commitment requires some very careful thinking about what you and your spouse feel is right for you as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.
Ask yourselves the following questions:
•    Is it nice to think about enjoying the coziness of sleeping in close proximity, or does one or more of us tend to stay active during sleeping – potentially disrupting the others?
•    Does everyone in our family want to co-sleep, or are we leaning toward it because one of us feels strongly?
•    Are we willing to commit to being quiet after our child falls asleep, or do we like to watch TV or talk in bed?
•    Will we enjoy being able to feed our baby more often throughout the night, or will having him next to us make it tougher to wean nighttime feeds?
•    Are we agreeable to getting into bed when our child does, to ensure his safety?
•    For working parents, does sleeping next to our child allow us to feel more connected to him?
As expected, co-sleeping has both advantages and disadvantages.
Let’s take a closer look at them.


Advantages:
•    Constant closeness whenever the child is awake. Many children and parents enjoy this feeling.
•    Immediate action and support for any sleep-related problem
•    The ability to nurse and respond to other nighttime wakings without getting up
•    More time to spend with the child
•    Possibly better sleep for both the child and the parents, if the child was sleeping poorly to begin with
Disadvantages:
•    Parents may sleep poorly if their children are restless sleepers
•    Parents may end up sleeping in separate rooms, and they may become angry at their child or with each other
•    Children’s and adults’ sleep cycles do not coincide
•    Parents may have to go to bed at a very early hour with their children and be left with little time for their own evening activities
•    Parents have little privacy
•    There may be a slight increase in the risk to the infant from SIDS and related causes.

The decision to co-sleep should be yours, made by the parent – or parents – and based on your own personal philosophies, not on pressure from your child or anyone else. Another family’s good or bad experience with co-sleeping should not influence your decision: your child is unique and your family is not the same.

Unconditional Love - Secret to Save Your Marriage

What are the essential ingredients in an ideal relationship?

In the middle of a workshop recently a pertinent question was asked about what creates the ideal relationship. We were asked to think of a relationship we had with something in the last week that in one's mind was the ideal relationship, and to think of what it was about that relationship that made it ideal.

A number of men in the group thought of their cars, tool sheds, families, workmates, old friends, even relationships with objects such as their television remote, recliner chair, or favorite pair of shoes. To each of these men, these things felt comfortable, and simple. The relationships they had with these people or objects was rewarding and easy to maintain.

A number of women considered kitchen appliances, favorite clothes or shoes, old friends, neighbours, and treasured items in their lives, and the bond that they had created either between people or with items they used in their lives. Words such as reliable, dependable, and comforting were used.

When my turn came to identify my ideal relationship, I thought of my dog. My dog has very simple needs, requiring only food, shelter, and love. No matter how my day has been or what kind of mood I'm in, when I get home at night and I'm greeted in such an authentic, transparent, and enthusiastic fashion. My dog is always excited to see me, and it's very humbling when you consider it.

I don't know of any others that greet me so enthusiastically night after night. No matter how long I have been away from the house or no matter how my day has been. His needs are few, yet he gives so much. I call this unconditional love.

So what is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is the type of love that comes without conditions. It is the type of love that you have for your partner when the romantic, hollywood-style love is gone. Once the romantic love is gone you make the transition to "real" love. Real love is love you have for your partner despite the knowledge that they are not perfect.

You know by now your spouse has faults. You know your spouse is not perfect. You know your spouse makes mistakes sometimes, but that's okay. You still love them. You love your spouse because of those imperfections rather than in spite of them.

This is unconditional love.

The same thing applies to you however in looking at your partner's faults. You acknowledge that you are the same. You have faults. You are not perfect. You know you make mistakes sometimes, but that's okay. That's called self-acceptance, and you expect unconditional love to overcome the faults and imperfections that people have.

So what do you get from this then? Should we all go out and get dogs to teach us something about unconditional love? Maybe there is a lesson to be learnt here. We all clutter our lives with thoughts and emotions, trials and tribulations, and there is the temptation to let our issues become bigger than they really are and rule our lives.

If you are serious about saving your marriage the key is in finding ways to place the emotional clutter to one side and let your unconditional love come through. It is okay to have faults and make mistakes. It's okay to have thoughts and feelings. But above all of this is the love you have for your spouse, the love you have for one another. And love will conquer them all.

It is possible to not like your spouse or not like what they are doing and still love them. It's possible to not like where your life or your marriage is at but still love your spouse. The love you have for your spouse and your marriage can remain constant.

It's time to learn how to reconnect with your life purpose and learn to love unconditionally.

A Word from an Expert - Interview with Mary-Ann Schuler

Today I had the pleasure – and honor – to speak with Mary-Ann Schuler, child psychologist and world renowned baby sleep training expert. Her impressive rise to fame started when she discovered a very efficient method of putting any baby to sleep – no matter how stubborn or active he may be – in a short time and with no stress. Since then she has helped thousands of babies and families help get good quality sleep, day and night. Here is some of the brilliant advice she had to share with me today:

Me: Hello Marry-Ann. Thank you for accepting my invitation.
Mary-Ann: It’s a pleasure. Hope I can answer all your baby sleep training questions and help more parents along the way.
Me: Let’s begin with a short introduction. Did you ever think that you would provide this much-needed help to so many people?
Mary-Ann: The truth is, I didn’t. But I knew somehow that I had to. Baby sleep issues are among the – if the not most – common problem parents face with their babies.

Being a mother at home and a child psychologist at work and still being unable to solve the problem made this even more frustrating.
Me: That’s really inspiring. The fact that this interview will reach out to a lot of parents who are at their wits’ end not knowing how to address this problem makes it invaluable.
Mary-Ann: I truly hope so.
Me: If you were to choose a word to describe the process of sleep training a baby, which one would it be?
Mary-Ann: Rewarding.
Me: Wow! I’m convinced that parents love hearing that. Can you tell me exactly what you mean by “rewarding”?
Mary-Ann: Yeah, sure. Rewarding in the sense that babies and parents are equally benefiting from it. The reward is a good night’s sleep for both.
Me: And if parents want very fast results?
Mary-Ann: The truth is, nothing ever happens overnight. They need to remember that consistency and persistence are the keys here.
They are the building materials that support the whole structure. Take one out and the building falls to the ground.
Me: How about positivity? Is it important?
Mary-Ann: Surprisingly, children can sense if you’re truly happy. In other words, if you’re not happy when you’re teaching them, they won’t be happy learning from you.
Me: There is an old debate if children need to cry out until they fall asleep or not? What do you think of this?
Mary-Ann: I have to admit this is among the most common questions I receive. The short answer is no. Children shouldn’t be left alone crying out until they fall asleep.
The reason for this is simple: children need affection. If they don’t receive it now, they won’t show it back later in life. Affection, however, doesn’t mean rocking them to sleep every night.
The good news is that there is a third way, which is both soothing and efficient. I describe it in detail in my book.
Me: You wrote the book on how to sleep train every child. If parents pick it up, can they really have a sleeping child in a short amount of time?
Mary-Ann: As I clearly explained in the book, each child is unique and there are certain differences between each developmental phase. You can’t sleep train a 2-month old baby in the same way you would train a 1-year old. In general, any baby can be trained in a short amount of time, but it all depends on a parent’s consistency in following the routine.
Me: What is the shortest time someone has ever sleep trained their child using your method?
Mary-Ann: I receive mails from parents telling me they achieved fast results on a daily basis, but the most amazing mail I read was from a very happy mom who told me that she managed to sleep train her baby in three short days.
Me: Wow, that’s amazing. So if parents want to use your method and see that kind of fast results, where can they find out more about your program?
Mary-Ann: They can visit my website! It’s the only place they will find out exactly how I discovered this method and get their hands on a copy for themselves. (Click Here To Visit Mary Ann Schuler’s Site)
Me: Thank you very much for your time Mary-Ann.
Mary-Ann: Any time!

4 Tips to Improve Your Marriage

A reality of modern relationships is the knowledge that divorce statistics have been steadily escalating in recent years.
             
Even now, all marriages have between a 40 and 50 percent chance of divorce, which increases for second and third marriages, which is why it's more important than ever to have the necessary skills to ensure your relationship is secure against the threat of divorce.

There are steps you can take to actually build a strong, stable marriage and avoid divorce. Here are some key steps to apply to your marriage:

1. Start by understanding and being informed.

You can never be too informed about tools, methods and studies about building successful marriages. Understand the risk factors like your age and maturity at marriage can determine how successful it will be, the anatomy of an affair and what you can do after infidelity. Understand the success factors like the personal and psychological circumstances that will influence your marriage, what are the tools and approaches available to you in dealing with conflict, and numerous other relevant data. All this information is readily available to you whether through self-help material, through a counselor, support group or other venues. In fact, we have made it our commitment to provide these to you in different formats to help you make the best marriage you can.

The thing is, remember, this is information is not available for you to begin hyper-psychoanalyzing your relationship, yourself and your partner. It's not a matter of spewing trivia for the sake of conversation ' information is there for you to ponder over and internalize to help you transform yourself and your marriage. That includes maturing to such a point that you become more competent in your knowledge but more prudent in approach.

2. A solid marriage is one in which you never stop putting in effort to make it better and better.

Good marriages are made. They don't just fall from heaven or off the pages of a romance novel. Unfortunately, many couples still believe that everything will be just fine after the wedding. Well, the wedding may have been absolutely lovely but the hard work of the marriage comes right after!

When the prospect of years together crops up, you just can't slack off. Nope, it's not a matter of stressing yourself trying to please your spouse daily. It's a mutual commitment to be 'other-focused', to communicate, spend time together, plan and set goals as a couple, lay down guidelines and sticking to them, lay down guidelines and knowing when to change them, dealing with kids and other significant relationships and so on. And, don't forget ' keeping up the romance, passion and intimacy in your marriage ' even if some days, you both are not in sync. Interestingly, a couple who has put in the effort develop an almost 6th sense about the others needs and desires. Now THAT is effort well worth it.

3. Commitment, commitment, commitment.

Notice that we did not say happiness as one of  hey factors in making a successful marriage. It's not even purely love. You see, happiness comes and goes and takes many forms. Love grows, wanes, develops and is a given in marriage relationship. Commitment, though, is something to invest in, to muster, to understand, to renew from time to time. This is the one constant through the happy and sad times, through the passionate and lovelorn times. Commitment make people want to stay, make them feel they ought to stay, and/or they have to stay.

What many couples don't realize is that commitment is a decision. It's an act of choice within one mature individual that translates to how this person will be present for another. It is not a whim nor an extra. It is the true foundation of any relationship.

4. The power lies with you.

I always say that mature individuals make mature, lasting marriages. What people fail to realize is that, in anything, even a love relationship and more so in one, you can take responsibility and choose your actions. When the going gets tough, you have the choice to either react to the situation you're in or to be swept away by a tide of emotion. When faced by temptation, the temptation will not make you 'do it' ' you will. It all lies with you. A happy, fulfilling relationship begins with you.

This means that you also have a lot of self-work to do. Work out your issues, mature, learn to love yourself. These are all part of growing up and growing into a successful marriage. Even when your partner has issues of his or her own or buckles under the pressure of a crisis ' there is still you.

All in all, what I have outlined here are four broad tips on how to avoid divorce. There are many little details in each tip that you can continue to explore with your spouse as you build a successful marriage.