It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing,
and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often,
especially when love and feelings are involved. Even those who think
that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves
drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and
chaos ensues.
Even those of us who are better equipped
than many others are not immune. This happened to me on the weekend, and
until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. My spouse told me
something that really hurt my feelings, and I automatically lashed back
in defense.
It was a silly argument, over something as
simple as a misplaced bottle of perfume. But to me, it represented
something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of
weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not
where I expect it to be, worse still when my partner has shifted it and
I don't know the first place to begin searching.
Perfume,
needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking
soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances
where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my
spouse when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time
and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and
organize yourself better"
I was gutted. When I come
home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the
table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and
warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment.
I
see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it
takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize
yourself better" really hurt.
I don't expect praise,
but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't
expect you to cook my dinner every night." That was interpreted by me
as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.
So where to from
here? My spouse felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect
household, where I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about
me trying to make my spouse feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this
is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I
misinterpreted his response.
Communication,
communication, communication. I needed my partner to keep me informed of
where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my
frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about
our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our
relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others
contributions.
Just because something isn't spoken
about, doesn't mean it's not important. A relationship or marriage is
not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.
When
people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often
stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming
them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it.
You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a
friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other
and offer insights and advice.
We got it sorted out,
and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such
love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes
you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of
the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you
are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose
the miscommunication and let the healing begin.
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