There are numerous reasons why a once committed relationship would
degenerate to one partner asking for a divorce. It could have been:
- an affair
- having been separated by a long distance for lengths of time
- conflict
- behavioral issues or psychological problems of one spouse
- even unmanaged addictions.
Whatever
of these problems may be what is seen on the surface, the bottom line
is that usually, barring any abuse or psychological problems that are
best handled by a professional, a couple find themselves in danger of
divorce when there is a loss of:
- communication,
- love
- and intimacy
in the marital relationship.
Conflict
or anger itself does not have to cause an irreparable rift between
partners. With good communication skills and a shared commitment to a
marriage, even these are surmountable. However, at that point where one
partner is at the brink of abandoning the relationship, how can the
remaining partner save their marriage? If you are at the point where
your spouse has asked for a divorce, what can you do?
You
must realize first that, YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. Often, when confronted
by a crisis, we find ourselves backed into a corner thinking we have no
choice in the matter. How can we change the situation when it involves
another person's feelings or decisions? While we cannot, MUST NOT and IN
NO WAY manipulate, blackmail or threaten our partner into changing
their mind, we can actually control how we react to the situation. If
anything, you must realize that you still have control over yourself.
You have the opportunity to look inward and take responsibility for your
own feelings and actions and even have the chance to take personal
inventory of what your partner is trying to tell you. Are there points
in your marriage that must be changed? If so, respond appropriately and
proactively.
Here's the thing. You can choose to wallow
in pain and anger or you can choose to become even more positive and
loving towards your spouse. You can choose to blame and shame your
partner or you can choose to take stock, be accountable for where your
marriage is and move on towards a more fulfilling, happy you. Yes, you
heard me. You can choose to be fulfilled and happy in the midst of
crisis.
Even if your spouse is stubborn and
unresponsive, you can still change yourself and become as engaging,
positive and proactive as you were when you first fell in love. Usually,
at the struggling stage of a relationship, one or both couples would
look back and miss the good old days where it was easy to be together.
You can capture those days again ' and even add to them with your own
current maturity and growth. After all, you did not spend those years
after the wedding for nothing. You and your spouse have made a huge
investment into this partnership and your intention to stay in the
marriage through positive loving actions, through open communication and
strengthened commitment can help your spouse refocus his view on what
you once committed to.
Become a loving person again by
caring for your spouse in the little everyday things. Be there for him
or her when before you may have been too much of a workaholic. Set aside
intimate time just for your partner alone whereas previously, you may
have let the kids take up too much of your time.
Then,
when the time comes that you are able to open communication with your
spouse and actually sit down and discuss the crisis you're in 'ask him
or her if he or she realizes just how much effort a divorce could
entail? Does your spouse actually realize that a divorce has emotional,
financial, logistical and physical consequences? A divorce brings CHANGE
and it is definitely not to be taken lightly. If your spouse wants a
divorce, is he or she prepared to embrace this change?
Finally,
you also have the option to involve a third party or mediator to help
you and your spouse through this situation. If the situation is truly
serious then by all means, get help. This is not the time to let your
pride get in the way. A professional counselor, trusted elder or neutral
friend can help in putting things into perspective between you and your
partner and may even help unlock deep seated concerns or issues. For
all you know, it may be as simple as your partner wanting more attention
or more ways to open up to you.
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